Love until the darkness collapses

sunshine through trees

On some days, even when we are in a place like the one I’m in…80F sunny weather, a fragrant afternoon breeze, an explosion of colors on flowers and trees everywhere I look, birds chirping…

…we wonder, with a sadness for which we can find no words among the estimated three-quarters of a million words available in the English language, if God (or the gods, the oneness, the light) took a leave of absence.

Do they not get it?

We do not ask for guarantees. We do not ask for perfection. We ask for a chance…a real chance. We ask that nature and those around us to be willing to try. That is the grace.

But on these days, in these moments, everything and everyone seem impenetrable. And for once we do not care. The losses are too great. The heart feels dead…it will not ask or answer. On the door, it leaves a note: “don’t bother”.

On these days, innocent ones are taken…or else simply punished with every restriction imaginable. On these days, the most sincere and honest prayers are ignored. On these days, those we need to listen will not listen even for a moment. Or remember why they must. Nature does not listen either, but seems to go against itself, as if it wishes to self destruct by destroying the most beautiful people, and the most beautiful things people create together.

It makes no sense. And no effort or love make a difference. So why bother? Life will just continue anyway, light or no light…and do its random thing, whatever that is.

I was in no mood today for inspirational messages. Or truth. Or anything really.

But something found me. It always finds us…even on these days. That simple truth in the most difficult and hopeless moments…the truth we do not want to hear. It doesn’t fix anything by itself, but it explains everything…and reminds us that no matter what, we are free and we do have a choice.

“There are only two feelings. Love and fear.

There are only two languages. Love and fear.

There are only two activities. Love and fear. 

There are only two motives, two procedures, 

two frameworks, two results. Love and fear.

Love and fear.” ~ Michael Leunig

It doesn’t matter if everything goes well and makes sense…or not; if we win or lose, if love makes a difference or doesn’t; if prayers are answered or ignored. It doesn’t matter who lives or who dies, who is blessed, who sees, who is blind, who bleeds or who raises the sword needlessly. We still get to choose: love or fear.

On some days, we do not want to love…anything or anyone. Today, I confess I didn’t want to love…anything or anyone. Maybe today the universe betrayed me and many others. I don’t know. But I will not betray. I will not choose fear. Let’s not ever choose fear.

“Love! Love until the night collapses.” ~ Pablo Neruda

(I dedicate this post to a beautiful soul who left this world today…to Natalie. You will always be loved even by those who never met you but still knew of your light. Sweet dreams, and know you have inspired many to not choose fear. Thank you for your gift.)

One Comment Add yours

  1. Sheila says:

    My sweet and loving Joanna. This was the first thing I read this morning when I sat down at my computer! I cried of course, both tears of sorrow and pain but also of joy that many people can bring to us in times of sorrow. Your words and dedication mean so much to me and I am printing it off to take with me to give to Natalie’s mom and dad and her beloved Dana. Thank you so much for helping me through this time and for the love you have given and shown to Nat. You are a true and loving friend. ❤


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