“Love — not dim and blind but so far-seeing that it can glimpse around corners, around bends and twists and illusion; instead of overlooking faults love sees through them to the secret inside.”
― Vera Nazarian, Salt of the Air
You did know that unconditional love comes with unavoidable, and may I suggest beautiful conditions, did you not?
But of course. It’s a delightful and beneficial irony for a change.
I was inspired by a post shared by a dear friend. It’s titled “Marriage isn’t for you”. And for that matter, neither is love. Because both are about those we marry and those we love.
And that is unconditional love’s first condition: the wanting of complete, total, amazing wellness and happiness for another, with us as constant contributors. If another’s happiness is not as important, and more important sometimes than our own…if we don’t understand that sacrifice is not suffering but a sacred gift, then we’ve signed up for a cheap transaction, not a love story.
Another condition is the loving of someone more precisely because of their imperfections, because of their vulnerabilities. Yes, because of the goofy, silly, even terribly annoying or sometimes hurtful things they do. Not to underestimate a bit of diplomacy and decorum, but if someone has to hide or close in our presence, it’s so not love.
The third condition would be wonder…curiosity sustained by tenderness and excitement…that wanting not to change someone, but to discover more about who they are, witness and share who they want to become and are becoming. It’s about freedom, about complementing someone without arrogance.
Fourth condition is wanting, again with excitement and joy, to bring out the best in the other person by encouraging them to manifest their light, nurture whatever it is in themselves they might have buried or neglected, see them thrive and achieve an ever evolving balance in the safe, and yes, adoring space we provide. What a privilege it is to be another person’s mirror, cheerleader and greatest fan…providing challenge, excitement, spontaneity and at the same time, trust.
Fifth condition, in the case of an intimate connection, would be wanting to give the other person lots and lots of kisses. Because who doesn’t like those? And holding their hand. And giving them more kisses….just because.
Sixth condition, and a very important one, is realizing our own need to learn and grow in a loving relationship, into the best possible version of ourselves we can imagine…or perhaps not even imagine because it’s so fabulous. By loving someone completely, unconditionally and on the basis of those beautiful unavoidable conditions, we end up not only inspired by grace and ease, but also tested and strengthened by discomfort, uncertainty and fear. And so we learn: forgiveness, compassion, patience. We can give more to another…and in doing so, give more to ourselves as well.
It’s a win-win situation really. But I find many have quite a difficult time with this unconditional love concept, with its unavoidable conditions. They either can’t believe someone else can actually love them no mater what, or else, they take advantage, transforming an otherwise amazing journey for two into a free ride for one.
But, what other people do or understand can not dim our light or close our hearts. We can only trust that everyone will have their “aha” moment at some point if they’re not getting the love thing yet.
As for the list of beautiful conditions…well, it goes on. But I won’t write any more, because you already know what’s on it. And besides, although inspiring, words are not as useful as direct experience. With a little courage and a little faith, we have to simply go and love and be the reason someone smiles a lot, and sleeps with beautiful dreams, and wakes up to begin the day with little kisses.
“Then love knew it was called love.
And when I lifted my eyes to your name,
suddenly your heart showed me my way.” ~ Pablo Neruda