Once again, the numbers on the calendar come into my life carrying his absence. It’s been five years since dad left this world.
Some time ago, or yesterday perhaps, I became tired and simply closed. I have had enough of the feeling of things.
Tonight, I sit at my desk and light a white candle. It’s just a habit. It’s not for him. I like candles. I look at his face in the photos on my screen. I can not cry. I am not smiling. There will be only numbness on this day and from now on. Towards him and others. I’ve earned it. I am strong.
But he rushes into my heart, and asks me gently what is wrong, and I tell him nothing is wrong, I am just numb, and he tells me I am not numb, only upset, and I disagree, and we argue.
He says there are so many things that bring us joy and so many things that hurt or annoy us in life…so many struggles and sadnesses…so many tears and so many smiles. Most come and go. But some things…some faces, some hearts…never leave even when they get far away from us…in this world or beyond it.
He says those are the ones that matter and the ones we need to recognize, trust, and find a way to never ever let go of.
I ask him why and what for…and I yell at him to stop preaching nonsense. Who needs the wisdom of the dead? He should have been nicer to me in life. And besides, too many people don’t trust and don’t care, and neither do I anymore. I do not miss him, or anyone else. Indifference wins, leave me alone.
He tells me he would hug me if he could but he can not, so he only smiles gently and says it is a good thing that I can still get so upset, because that means I really believe in love and forgiveness and remain a fighter.
How are these good things I ask him. I am neither hopeful nor loving. I am numb and strong and I don’t fight anymore. And I’m perfectly fine. I don’t need anyone or anything. This time I really don’t. And don’t throw my blog into my face, because I lied. Ok? I lied. All that stuff I write about is nonsense. I don’t believe any of it.
And then he blows me a little kiss and he leaves, and I sit in my chair, refusing to cry or feel anything…while the whole time I’m crying and feeling too many things. And then I stop and I feel like an utter fool on top of everything else, a grown-up child arguing with a ghost over the obvious.
Time does not change the things that last forever. All that love, all that knowing, the faces and the hearts and that stuff I don’t want to think about and insist I don’t need anymore.
From somewhere dad winks at me.
Damn. How I miss that man. And also…
Never mind. Didn’t I just say I was something…oh yes, numb. That must be it.