I don’t know why at this late hour, in the middle of a demanding work week, when all I’m thinking about is how to get into bed faster and rest up for tomorrow’s long hours….suddenly I’m humming the lyrics to a song I haven’t listened to in forever…
When you try your best, but you don’t succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can’t sleep
Stuck in reverse
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can’t replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?
Life is strange. This isn’t the first time I realized that even though we think our stories and paths are so very different, they are not. They are so similar in fact that for a few moments of clarity I managed (it is late, and the days have been long), I see myself in these lyrics, and then I see someone else, and then myself again, to the point that I can’t tell the difference anymore.
I have succeeded…yet I haven’t, because I have what I wanted now, but it’s not what I need…or at least not all of what I need or even most of it. And I’m not stuck in reverse this time, rather, in neutral somehow even though I am coasting forward.
Yes, I have what I wanted. And yet out of nowhere, probably because my soul is so guarded at the moment, my mind took matters in its own hands and dragged the memory of this song and lyrics at a time when my resistance is pretty much nonexistent.
I had no intention to write. Or strength left really. But I must write this and I don’t know why. The necessity of it annoys me, but I’m too tired to fight back.
So I keep humming…
Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you
Yes, lights always guide us home. Even if we never left. Because how can we ever really leave home?
As for the fixing…I managed to rebel…I don’t need fixing. Does anyone really? And if anyone does, if I do, can we, even with the most amazing of connections, ever fix each other?
My instinct tells me to think about this very carefully…to consider my next words, for they matter a lot. I laugh of course.
So let’s see…perhaps we all do need a bit of fixing…like with the kintsukuroi concept.
And yes, I do believe we can help each other. Not because anyone is helpless, but because we are different…our light, our touch, the hues of our tenderness and love are different. So by “fixing” another we’re simply contributing to awakening the best potential in another person…we remind them of who they are and of the insignificance of their fears. We take someone’s hand and guide them into a space of possibility.
It’s a necessary space. A magical space really…where complete freedom blossoms within a profound intimacy and commitment. There is hesitation and uncertainty…but they are framed in gentleness. And an inexplicable, wondrous energy appears in time to sustain us.
I am not going to examine and edit what I just wrote as I always do. Maybe it makes no sense, maybe it will make sense tomorrow. It is what it is.
And the moment I wrote that, as if I’m surprised…here comes the smell of the sea. Here, in the middle of the desert, in a room where a bamboo scented candle still burns and tired me wonders if I remembered to charge my phone and set the alarm for tomorrow morning. It made me smile, and reminded me of something else:
“It is another beginning, my friend, this waking in a morning with no haze, and help coming without your asking.” ~Rumi
I found that quote the other day. It startled me when I read it because it has such a beautiful feeling.
And now to sleep.