And then you dance

on

dance

“…And honestly, I’m not interested in people who haven’t lived and died a few times. Who haven’t yet had their heart ripped out, or know what it feels like to lose everything. I trust those people because they stand for something…” ~ J. Raymond

 

Well….

Sometimes, a strange kind of numbness takes over. And you become a contradiction.

On the surface, you appear connected.

Not to mention that in your practical routines, particularly work related, you are not holding anything back. You are efficient and invested and no matter what, you deliver…with passion and honesty…everything you can and more. You achieve goals and move forward.

Yes, some notice that you occasionally fade, as if instead of a solid being, that which moves in the world with your name is a hologram and not the real thing. But the fading doesn’t last long enough to fully betray you. Besides, both your diligence and caring prove that you are real.

Still, even though everything appears to happen with you present, it actually happens entirely in your absence. You are always somewhere else, somewhere you don’t care to define or investigate.

And the worst thing is that you still see…everything…completely. Yet most of the time, have no desire to translate or touch or give or receive; to be anything more than a distant witness. If that.

And then suddenly, out of nowhere, a breath of fresh air.

Such an inconvenience. For what is one who isn’t breathing or interested in breathing to do with a breath of fresh air?

One would have to stop, pick a somewhere to be. Define it and investigate.

And more than that.

The one breath isn’t just one breath…it’s a breathing. And with breathing comes awareness of this strange thing that you once recognized as a thing that matters most, sees best and feels.

And more than that.

The one breath isn’t just a breath. It’s a smile and laughter. And then one word becomes a conversation, and a minute turns into hours, and before you know it you are laughing and getting ready to get up and dance.

As if you want to dance. As if you could.

And more than that.

The one breath makes you realize that being healed is nothing more than owning your brokenness and at the same time, trying to put some color back in your soul. It dares to remind you that you are light, and that light shines.

Most inconvenient indeed.

And difficult. All this…this breath of fresh air you didn’t ask or reach for bringing what you needed.

So you fight it. You throw all the “no”-s at it. You run and lock all the doors.

But the breath of fresh air is already inside. And it leaves you with the only choice you should make in the first place: the choice to be…alive. And despite your best efforts, you keep finding yourself smiling, opening, and getting ready to dance.

There is, clearly, much work to be done. This being alive again business takes a lot of practice, because it involves taking, and giving. Circumstances are working against you. The list is very long.

Sometimes you do well. But not always. You don’t know how long you have, or if you even have a chance. You don’t know if you can…really…open. Or if it will make a difference.

So you fall and close. The list is long. The odds against you are many. You should probably not dance.

Still, you get up. And when you do, that breath of fresh air is already making you smile.

And then you dance.

2 Comments Add yours

  1. Joshua M Swenson says:

    Beautiful!

    Like

    1. Joanna L. says:

      Thank you. Glad you enjoyed it. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

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