Of doors and honor and light…something real


“The doors to the world of the wild Self are few but precious. If you have a deep scar, that is a door, if you have an old, old story, that is a door. If you love the sky and the water so much you almost cannot bear it, that is a door. If you yearn for a deeper life, a full life, a sane life, that is a door. ”
~ Clarissa Pinkola Estés

Yes, the deeper, full life. The sane life. The life we dream about when we are sober enough to let our guard down and not care that we hear that song that everything real sings.

Of course, IT is the only life there is. Anything else is not a life. It’s something…a substitute, a copy, a refuge of comfortable numbness, restrained struggle, mediocre pleasures, controlled denial, sufferable insignificance.

We all have doors. That I can not unbelieve. Despite the fact that necessity has impelled me to unbelieve many things. True things.

When I saw this quote today, I immediately asked what makes us see a door inside ourselves, and then actually walk through it.

It isn’t courage. It isn’t faith. It’s not strength or vision or boldness inspired by some grand revelation.

The answer that came was simple. Little somehow. It was honor. Which is about a gentle honesty and respect.

Funny how we often imagine that when we choose to sink to the lowest levels available to us, or else just settle for something that isn’t really life, we are betraying something outside ourselves…a principle, a person, a grand plan.

In reality, there is nothing and nobody else we betray but ourselves. Which is such a very sad thing. A terrible injustice.

Not because godz or rules, or loss, or even someone else’s suffering. It’s because our own light. If we fail to honor it, who or what else will?

Yes, if we’re so lucky, our talents and skills can be there to sustain us…or else someone can be there to love us through the darkness, with and because our many failings, for we all have many. But no thing or person can ever do for us the honoring of our light which we must do for ourselves.

We can not be forced to be honest, or gentle, or respectful of ourselves. Only we can choose to see the door inside, and walk through it. Not because we must or it’s the right thing to do, but because we and our light deserve nothing less.

And yes, I know too well how the mind can say “trust nothing…do nothing”, while the soul shouts “believe…try”. And I also know how the heart can say “protect your indifference and numbness with all you have”, while the soul shouts and points “the door, see it, walk through it…live”.

It’s always a struggle. Sometimes, a monumental one.

And as much as I want to say not everyone can do it, we all can. Somehow, we can all walk through that door.

Sadly…and luckily, this too I can not unbelieve.


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