“But you, Zarathustra, you wanted
to see the ground and background
of all things, and so you must climb
over yourself – up, upward until
you have even your stars beneath you!”
~ Friedrich Nietzsche, “Thus Spoke Zarathustra”
Yes. There is this life you patched together with everything you have, with everything you do not. It is your life, your merit. And you are very proud, as you should be, of all that you’ve created – of the things learned, understood, accepted, translated, fought, earned, lost, found, endured, enjoyed, overcome. So many things.
And then there is that something at the center of life itself, and therefore of your life, that is completely yours yet you have no control over – and for which there are no words. It is much more than who you are and everything you create. It is something you can touch, but can never remove or change once you’ve seen it.
Even when the stars are beneath you. Precisely because you went there…and know what it is like to have your stars beneath you.
Still, you persevere and stand tall. With a clean conscience at least…with not a small measure of dignity. It is enough, for now, and you keep going, keep building.
Until what you tried to forget catches up with you, and a thought comes uninvited, with the confidence of one who knows home and has no need to ask permission, apologize for the intrusion or explain.
It completely disarms you. It causes you confusion, shame and distress. Because it also makes you smile as it simultaneously shatters your illusion of control.
One such thought came today. I tried to find words to describe my reaction, but they all failed me. And since this indescribable-ness can not be contained in my one life, I came here to share something so personal so as to make it less unbearable and heavy.
It will make no sense to anyone else. Yet I suspect some will understand and identify nonetheless.
The thought is a simple reminder that this day, some years ago, was one of the absolute happiest days of my life.
A day when I ‘made good’ on and renewed a promise. A day when trust was born again, because the heart won. A day when even though I was so tired, scared, and scarred, I stood up for my light, and the light of another.
We were, and that day was, sadly, cursed from the start. With a darkness thrown onto us out of anger, bitterness, resentment and pain. I have seen it, and was blessed with help to cleanse and remove it all by one who knows how such things are done.
Even without help though, the darkness would have been only a temporary obstacle. It was not.
Because no curse or blessing could have changed the fact that I had walked into someone’s lie. Not a lie by default but a lie by choice…which is much, much worse.
Still, despite all this, and ironically, because of the all-ness of it, this one truth about such happiness being possible in this lifetime somehow made its way into my world once again.
It should make all the difference. It makes no difference. I turn away from it, but it’s the truth.
And it’s that simple. And there is nothing else to say.