Not my circus, not my monkeys (…and about going where the love is)

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To clarify, I am very much against circuses and animals in captivity. But I totally relate to the Polish saying in the title of this post.

Circuses are cruel and maddening. There’s no ‘fixing’ a circus. Just as there is no fixing some situations in life. Some people simply refuse to change because they are too addicted to the madness they create around them, a madness that protects them from facing issues, doing any real work, genuinely investing in anything and therefore accepting responsibility for themselves and others.

Life is crazy by default – nothing new there. But sometimes, the clutter of insanities we find ourselves in raises all that is ridiculous, humiliating and absurd to a new level  – as only a circus can.  And you know the kind of personal or professional circumstances I’m talking about.

It’s the ones where every single thing that is said ends up being contradicted in both words and actions – at random times. You know that something’s coming, but you don’t know what or when. What you were praised for yesterday you might be hit for today and vice-versa.

It’s the ones where all that is good, desirable, fulfilling, constructive, beautiful, loving, genuine and meaningful somehow gets twisted into the exact opposite – of which you end up being accused, and which you are asked to correct.

It’s the ones where you get conditioned into a perpetual state of anxiety, which eventually develops into sheer terror. Which only proves you are weak, insecure and paranoid by nature.

It’s the ones where eventually you start questioning your every thought, goal, need…and start believing that you are a clueless, greedy and demanding human being whose true intent is to cause harm and chaos.

It’s the ones where your qualities and vulnerabilities alike become proof of your fundamental and profoundly flawed nature.

Still, you try hard to figure it all out, to fix yourself, to find a solution, to please. Because you are invested. Because you care deeply. And you want to show it. You want to create something good, you naturally want to correct your mistakes and do your best in as much as it is possible.

But all efforts end up in failure. Because the standards to which you are held, the expectations that are given to you as guidelines all change the moment you make a move.

It’s like trying to follow directions to a place and the moment you get there, someone steps in to switch all the street signs, and then points an accusing finger at you for having failed..for stubbornly, defiantly even, taking the wrong street to the wrong destination.

I have spent a few years on this blog basically telling everyone who should happen to pass by that giving up is not an option. This time I am urging anyone caught up in a mad circus to seek distance, stop trying, become an observer and limit participation (if unavoidable) to a bare minimum.

Because you can not fix something even by pouring all your heart and soul into it if others put the same amount of effort in making sure everything you do ends up wrong. No matter how much you give or do, if someone smashes it at every step, you’re wasting your time and losing your sanity in the process.

No matter how smart, loving or creative you are, you can’t play a game where the rules are constantly reversed in the extreme any more than you could drive without crashing if at random times green lights would mean stop and red lights would mean go.

It’s painful to give up on a dream, on anything or anyone that you truly care about, that truly fits who you are, your talents and your goals. But we can not live for the purpose of giving others a context in which to release un-examined and unresolved issues, selfishness, fears, insecurities and uncontrolled egos.

Seriously, it’s not your circus, and those are not your monkeys. Let go and let god as another saying suggests.

And since it’s spring and everyone is reading about love and happy, hopeful things, here’s another quote to wrap this up. It’s about love, but it also applies to appreciation, to giving, to kindness and respect.

Some people won’t love you no matter what you do, and some people won’t stop loving you no matter what you do. Go where the love is.” ~ unknown

Yes, drop the circus and go where the love is.

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